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There's a telling moment in Lukas Gage's new book where he calls it a "premature autobiography". It's a humble joke, of course, but it's also true. Gage isn't extremely famous – at least not yet. Chances are, though, if you've watched him then you will remember him. In 2020, he became an internet sensation after sharing an audition video where the director – forgetting he wasn't on mute – was caught judging his apartment. "These poor people live in these small apartments," he says, before Gage intervenes to let him know he can listen to every word. The following year, Gage starred in the debut installment of The White Lotus: in one moment, his character Dillon is discovered by a hotel guest standing completely undressed in the manager's office, while said manager performs a sexual act on him.

"I thought: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better make an impression on it big," he remarks with a smile today. "I aimed to give people something to remember me by – and I did!"

Chaotic Roles and Existence

Gage excels in characters whose lives are chaotic and disordered – just like his own. That existence is all laid on the line in his autobiography, which – here comes another self-deprecating remark – is called I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although humorously engaging, its content is far from simple. We start with Gage's feelings of rejection by his father, then move on to drug use, molestation, family dysfunction, addiction, personality disorders, guilt, rocky romances and emotional pain. What we don't get all that much of is the glamour of fame. Gage readily acknowledges he is at the beginning of his profession. He has no great reserves of wisdom to impart on success. So what was the purpose of writing a memoir?

"I believe it's cathartic for me to share my story," he explains over a online call from New York. "During the Hollywood writers' strike I had the opportunity to really dig in and go profound, so I just thought: screw it."

Childhood Years and Validation

Gage, 30, grew up in San Diego, and from an early age he was cognizant of his constant need for validation. He remembers a gathering where he showed up, aged four, wearing heels and costume accessories; in particular, he recalls being hurt by his dad's obvious disgust at what he was doing. Their relationship never really recovered – Gage's dad moved out and became increasingly distant with his sons (Gage has two siblings) before starting with a new family.

Gage struggled to belong at school. He was a born actor, but this meant it was often hard to know who the real Lukas was. "I found myself constantly adopting different personas and identities, which I think was quite divisive for people," he states. It also had its advantages. Gage could effortlessly adopt the persona of a straight-laced football player while privately filling his bag up with booze at the rear of the local store. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to call up and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Transforming into different people was natural to me," he says.

Dependency and Household Struggles

The memoir addresses addiction – mainly his older brother's struggles with heroin that transform the cool brother he looked up to into a frail shell, but also his mother's obsession with gambling devices. An initial win meant the household could afford to make the deposit on a bigger house, but Gage laughs when I ask if she really made money from gambling. "Ultimately, how much she spent was certainly a lot more than that."

It is funny, he says. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really come to terms with this side of her personality. "She spoke to my other brothers, like, 'Do you guys feel this way too?' And they were all like, 'Of course, we've been saying this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who obviously brought her kids up in difficult conditions. But she had a hard time reading it. "She believed as if she failed as a mother and I did not want her to think that way at all. I feel like even though there's these chaotic things that occurred to me, hard things, I actually appreciated the way that I grew up."

Finding Self and Trauma

Gage didn't start to locate his real identity until he was sent to an performance program as a youngster, where being loud, theatrical and attention-seeking was actually encouraged. The time was transformative in positive ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was accompanied in his shelter by a instructor who told Gage and a girl camper to embrace, take off their garments and press their bodies against each other while he pleasured himself. For years later, he tried to ignore the shame it left him with.

"As with a lot of people who undergo being molested, I felt like there was a willingness on my part because my body just disconnected. I knew it was inappropriate. I knew that the situation should not be happening. But I just endured it."

Self-Criticism and Career Path

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and continues to be. He admits to looking for "harsh critiques" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always regard my performance and work in the best light," he states. "I desire I could have more compassion with that part of myself."

Yet he accepts that this doubt drives him forward too. In secondary school, he featured in a wart-removal commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every query possible about audio and the job of crew. Despite his mum's reservations, he departed San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, residing in the Alta Cienega Motel where his idol Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (Tripadvisor reviews – "Avoid completely from this place!" – indicate it might not have been the most luxurious of lodgings).

Gage's big break should have arrived when he secured a part in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's love interest. He told his entire household about it, but during a costume fitting he was forced to reveal the tattoos he'd had done on his ribs, spine and leg. "I had these agents saying to me: how could you ruin this? How could you sabotage this? I don't think that was the best thing for a young adult to listen to when they've just lost something that significant."

These days, such markings would be concealed in minutes, but at that time he was shown the door and back to square one. The constant cycles of auditions and refusals were harsh, but at least he had been prepared well for them. "Whenever I got turned down for a job, I would always think: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad rejecting me for another household and child," he remarks.

Perseverance and Breakthrough

Gage continued. The story of how he lied, begged and cheated to get an audition for Assassination Nation, which eventually resulted in a part in the hit show Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, bruised and in a support) and then The White Lotus, could take up a book in itself. Gage recalls the oddity of shooting The White Lotus in 2020, sequestered in a high-end Hawaii hotel while the health crisis and the US vote raged on. It was in fact Gage, along with co-star Murray Bartlett, who pitched the idea that their intimate scene should be something a bit extra – and show runner Mike White happily approved. Gage laughs remembering his mum's reaction. "She wrote me a text, like, 'Such a cute rear, but maybe next time provide a heads-up that's going to happen when I'm watching with my friends.'"

It was while on set that Gage showed colleagues the audition video in which his apartment was criticized. Their reaction – shocked, amused, supportive – convinced him to post it online. He wasn't prepared for the reaction it received: numerous articles, outpourings of backing from peers and unknown people alike, and a campaign against the director in question, none of which Gage had any say over. "I thought like people were much more mad about it than I was, which confused me," he {